Ugly Americans.
My mother's family lives in Canada. Her last living sibling lost that status last week, and my family was informed on Friday that the funeral would be Wednesday. I don't think it occurred to them that this would make it hellish, logistically, for those of us who weren't in Canada. This logistic nightmare necessitated some last minute scrambling to ensure my mother could attend the funeral, and resulted in a friend and I driving my mother 8 hours northward and across a border, on Saturday morning. My friend and I stayed overnight and returned to the States on Sunday. (No, I won't be attending the funeral. I didn't really know the aunt in question, so I don't need the closure.)
Before we returned, we stopped at Swiss Chalet for sustenance. We'd just been served when another lady breezed in and was seated at the booth across the aisle from us. She started things off by announcing to the waitress, "I'll have a Coke or Pepsi, thank you and Oh Canada."
My friend and I stopped chewing and looked at each other. Was this some new, secret Canadian solidarity code? If so, why hadn't I been informed? We assume it's a fluke, or perhaps we misheard, and resume eating.
The lady in question hailed another passing waitress and commented that Canada was so nice! and "Oh Canada to you!" My friend and I look at one another again and bite back laughter. I'm starting to speculate wildly on just why this person is exclaming "Oh Canada" so often. I make an internal bet that the lady is American, on her first trip to Canada, and is either a complete tit or thinks that ejaculating "Oh Canada" in her sentences will get her some sort of s00p3r s33kr1t Canadian discount. Hey, it works like that in other countries - in Thailand, if you even tried to speak Thai, the prices for things went way down immediately, so maybe she thought she was speaking Canadian, eh?
She told the waitress she was just going to drink her pop and go, and my friend and I breathe a sigh of relief. The waitress said to not bother about the bill, the pop would be on the house. The lady immediately started a diatribe, "OH no! I insist on paying for my drink! I pay for what I get, unlike our president, who goes to hotels and steals all their mints and bathrobes! President Bush does that all the time. He goes to Belgium and takes chocolates without paying for them. I don't want to be an ugly American like him, so I'll pay for my drink." She then proceded to go on a lengthy, condescending diatribe on how nice Canada was, and how they were so lucky not to have any large industries or commercialism or shopping districts, how they were lucky not to be so "built up", like America was. How lucky Canadians were to not have a president, especially not a thief like ours. She really liked the country, and Oh Canada! "And please tell the manager just how nice I think this quaint little restaurant is. And Oh Canada to you too!"
I'd long since stopped eating. Either from fear of launching food through my nose with a snort of spontaneous laughter, or the nausea I felt rising through my gorge - take your pick. Eventually the Crazy American Lady leaves, and my friend and I immediately order sangrias to wash the taste of the stupid out of our mouths. We commisserate with the waitress. We leave, stopping at Tim Horton's for coffee.
How To Not Be An Ugly American
A) Try to know something about the country you're visiting. Small facts, such as what the head of their government is called, or what large chain restaurants you might find there.
B) Keep your mouth shut. Don't compare the country you're in to the United States, nobody cares or wants to hear it. Don't talk American politics, unless someone else initiates the conversation - it makes you look boorish.
C) Be polite. Especially to the people who have the ways and means to pollute your food with something vile.
D) Pay with local currency, don't just assume that your American greenbacks will be accepted or that the store has the ability to do currency exchange. If, by some fluke, you can't pay with local currency and have no credit card, ask what the exchange rate is. Don't just assume a $1 bill will cover $1.25CND plus tip. When in doubt of the exchange rate, ask. Or look it up.
E) Realize that the small area of town you're staying in is hardly indicative of the country's industry standards. Especially when you're not downtown.
Someday, somehow, I'm going to work that lady into a skit.
Oh, Canada to you.
-Peregrine
Before we returned, we stopped at Swiss Chalet for sustenance. We'd just been served when another lady breezed in and was seated at the booth across the aisle from us. She started things off by announcing to the waitress, "I'll have a Coke or Pepsi, thank you and Oh Canada."
My friend and I stopped chewing and looked at each other. Was this some new, secret Canadian solidarity code? If so, why hadn't I been informed? We assume it's a fluke, or perhaps we misheard, and resume eating.
The lady in question hailed another passing waitress and commented that Canada was so nice! and "Oh Canada to you!" My friend and I look at one another again and bite back laughter. I'm starting to speculate wildly on just why this person is exclaming "Oh Canada" so often. I make an internal bet that the lady is American, on her first trip to Canada, and is either a complete tit or thinks that ejaculating "Oh Canada" in her sentences will get her some sort of s00p3r s33kr1t Canadian discount. Hey, it works like that in other countries - in Thailand, if you even tried to speak Thai, the prices for things went way down immediately, so maybe she thought she was speaking Canadian, eh?
She told the waitress she was just going to drink her pop and go, and my friend and I breathe a sigh of relief. The waitress said to not bother about the bill, the pop would be on the house. The lady immediately started a diatribe, "OH no! I insist on paying for my drink! I pay for what I get, unlike our president, who goes to hotels and steals all their mints and bathrobes! President Bush does that all the time. He goes to Belgium and takes chocolates without paying for them. I don't want to be an ugly American like him, so I'll pay for my drink." She then proceded to go on a lengthy, condescending diatribe on how nice Canada was, and how they were so lucky not to have any large industries or commercialism or shopping districts, how they were lucky not to be so "built up", like America was. How lucky Canadians were to not have a president, especially not a thief like ours. She really liked the country, and Oh Canada! "And please tell the manager just how nice I think this quaint little restaurant is. And Oh Canada to you too!"
I'd long since stopped eating. Either from fear of launching food through my nose with a snort of spontaneous laughter, or the nausea I felt rising through my gorge - take your pick. Eventually the Crazy American Lady leaves, and my friend and I immediately order sangrias to wash the taste of the stupid out of our mouths. We commisserate with the waitress. We leave, stopping at Tim Horton's for coffee.
How To Not Be An Ugly American
A) Try to know something about the country you're visiting. Small facts, such as what the head of their government is called, or what large chain restaurants you might find there.
B) Keep your mouth shut. Don't compare the country you're in to the United States, nobody cares or wants to hear it. Don't talk American politics, unless someone else initiates the conversation - it makes you look boorish.
C) Be polite. Especially to the people who have the ways and means to pollute your food with something vile.
D) Pay with local currency, don't just assume that your American greenbacks will be accepted or that the store has the ability to do currency exchange. If, by some fluke, you can't pay with local currency and have no credit card, ask what the exchange rate is. Don't just assume a $1 bill will cover $1.25CND plus tip. When in doubt of the exchange rate, ask. Or look it up.
E) Realize that the small area of town you're staying in is hardly indicative of the country's industry standards. Especially when you're not downtown.
Someday, somehow, I'm going to work that lady into a skit.
Oh, Canada to you.
-Peregrine
posted by Peregrine at 5:11 PM
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